The trial of Phillip

I hereby verify that the following transcript is a true and correct record of events (signed Adrienne Buttres, tipstaff to the Honourable Justice Dimpledick).

Judge: "The next matter set down on the Intellectual Property list is The People v Phillip and is a trademark and copyrights infringement case. Bring the prisioner up from the docks."

The prisoner is dragged into the court, savage and dirty. An authorised tool of interrogation is still wedged firmly in his buttocks, but a tiny erection in the front of his prison pyjamas suggests that he is in no great discomfort. This court reporter says that he has the look of a guilty man.

Judge: "Now, Phillip, a serious allegation has been made against you. A most serious one indeed. It is said that you have plagiarised from a scripture, one so sacred that it would be a blasphemy to even repeat it title."

The judge solemnly raises an ancient papryus tome to the gallery, its pages having been ceremonially sealed together with the glue of its acolytes. Many in the gallery are overcome with emotion and one waves his fist and cries: "Hang him now! Hang him now!" Phillip's stiff pyjamas have subsided but now they are well damp with scrote resin.

Judge: "Young man, I have seen your writings and I am convinced you are a literary thief!"

Phillip: "Your Honour, it is not true - ruddery has always been a hobby of mine! I am proselytizing the Word, that is all, I swear!"

Judge: "Shut up you little butt-strumpet! I even read right before me - on this very page - something much too similar to the "excrementitious glue of sin". Have you no respect for His Word and the Passion of the Fiff? And I am in no doubt that in Zein-Silbercock you have crudely hijacked the reknowned character of Tony Ice! I shudder to think what that man would do to you if he were to ever find you."

Phillip: "No, lies! Lies! No!"

The gallery cries "Hang him! Hang him!" I can tell that the tipstaff is thinking about pouring a sack full of writhing, slimy baby eels through a funnel into a Japanese girl's bottom because that it what he always thinks about.

Judge: "Enough! Phillip, for your lame imitations and failure to think of your own idea for a blog, I sentence thee to the gallows to be hung by the throat until killed."