In the estate of Trough Boy v The Golden Phallus Pty Ltd

Editor's note: Reader's will appreciate that, while the substantive facts of the cases reported here are based entirely on true events, the concerned parties may not always be portrayed one hundred percent accurately. By that I mean, occasionally certain proportions of their characters are exaggerated, only to better delineate a complex rule of law. However, the victim in the following case, I can say in all honesty, was every bit a real person. I heard this story from Jack Barter, a shadowy man, curiously well-connected to these kinds of people, but whose testimony I have no reason to doubt. Indeed, upon hearing the tale my interests were so aroused that I made straight for the local Law Library to research the case, an extract of which I set out below. Hear now the harrowing true tale of Trough Boy...

Per Shuute O'Shiite

This is a motion brought by the estate of Trough Boy for preliminary discovery of certain video surveillance footage said to be in the possession of the respondent. The applicant requests the footage so as to be able to properly identify the prospective defendant in a claim in tort for the wrongful death of Trough Boy.

To decide this motion, it might be useful to briefly set out the facts of the substantive proceedings. Trough Boy was born Cecil Pizzhounder on 14 July 1972 in the country town of Breewarina, New South Wales. According to his mother's affadavit, young Cecil had a troubled upbringing, which she ashamedly attributes to her decision at the time to have him breast-fed until the age of fourteen years. I should say, I have yet to read any clear medical evidence that breast feeding a teenager can lead to behavioural problems. I myself suckled my dear mother right up until her recent passing. However I note that in this case the applicant had actually been breast fed by his pre-op Uncle 'Shirley'. To be sure, the boy was as gay as summer plum but his Uncle's milky affections seem to have caused him deeper emotional problems. By the age of seventeen he had been convicted by the Farmer's Court several times for milking the bulls and he was eventually exiled from the town.

The applicant spent the next ten years wandering through the countryside taking animal husbandary work when he could get it. For a while he enjoyed some success with his patented 'oral insemination' technique. However he was unable to continue this method after his jaw was badly broken by a farmer who had witnessed his prize steer undergoing said procedure. He became disillusioned and eventually wound up in the city where he turned a trick outside the Grotto. Yet he always maintained his enterprising spirit. Indeed he is thought to have been the first to use the now popular "honour system" of payment in the Grotto. The idea here is that purveyors of mankunt cut a hole in the backside of the pants and tie a small pouch to their belt, thereby giving their customers the convenience of 24-hour rear access. If the receptacle is overdosing or is otherwise unconscious, the client can nevertheless dispatch his yolk and, if he is an honest chap, slip the fee in the pouch when he is done.

Of course, as the story goes, the applicant was utilising the honour system on the night the legend of The Trough Boy was born. He was bent over a park bench, catatonic from a crystal meth overdose, and in the simulataneous company of seven gentleman. The men were fit and virile and, in short, there was an almighty gut flurry that left the applicant's arse-cup overflowing like a badly-poured beer. Though the men had thoroughly unloaded themselves, they were not yet sated. So it was that one bright fellow resolved to urinate on the applicant. The other six followed and soon he was being drenched in a hot yellow rain. Yet all the while this was happening, Cecil was experiencing a most profound revelation. As he describes in his best selling autobiography, "Tales From The Trough":

Perhaps it was the effect of the drugs but I seemed to imagine that the Seven Knights of Templar were standing above me, knighting me with great long golden swords, shimmering in the moonglight. "Arise," they solemnly pronounced, "Sir Cecil of the Trough!" It was then that I percevied my mission in my life...

Suddenly he regained consciousness and, soaking wet, he got up and ran naked into the distance raving like a lunatic. He went directly to the bathroom of the closest tavern, The Golden Phallus, the respondent in these proceedings. There he dove into the urinal, taking big gulps of piss water, baptising himself in human waste. He begged the patrons to piss on him and, while they were initially reluctant, they soon took to it with gusto and were lining up outside to douse him.

Cecil's fame spread and within no time he was on the bill at every hotel in town and was being hired to perform at parties and weddings. In 2000 he changed his name by deed poll to his "Trough Boy". At the height of his fame in 2002 he released a remix of A-ha's 1985 single "Take on me" (called "Piss on me") which went to #9 on the charts and even supported U2 on their Australian tour. However, this all came to a tragic end in 2004 when he died of syphillus, having undoubtedly contracted it from one of the many thousands of troughs he had swam in over the years. Speaking ex judicio for a moment, let me say this: I am not normally a sentimental man but even I shed a tear when I read the beautiful epitaph above the pisser where it all began, in the Golden Phallus:

This was your place,
Warm liquid waste annointing your face,
Now you are gone, we will surely miss,
Your puppy dog eyes all covered in piss

RIP Trough Boy 1972-2005

Now this leads me to the issue at hand. The estate of Trough Boy intends to sue the syphilitic fiend that killed our dear Trough Boy with his poison piss. Of course we have no way of ascertaining precisely who that person may be. But we do not need to. For it is common ground that Clayton's Rule applies in the identification of a defendant in a wrongful piss-death, that is, first in, first out. This being the case, the applicant requests the respondent to provide video surveillance footage from the fateful night that Trough Boy first announced himself to the world. The man belonging to the very first drizzle across the applicant's face is the proper defendant (regardless of whether he was in fact diseased or not).

It is appalling that the respondent should resist this request for information in these circumstances, given the legendary life that Trough Boy has led. He fought the good fight. I grant the order for discovery and rule that the respondent's solicitor pay costs personally. One final thing I will say is that I have had already had the opportunity to view the surveillance footage in my chambers before trial and would suggest that the man you are after is called Dr. Fictor.