In the matter of Norman Louie

Per Gonzockle CJ,

The plaintiff is a Chinaman bringing an action in the old tort of mangina unconsentio. He claims that, in the course of penile enhancement surgery at the private hospital, Dr. Bähm, did intentionally remove his doodle with an intention to profit. It was revealed that minuscule appendages like that formerly had by the plaintiff are valuable commodities in the textile industry, often being used as a substitute for the fibres on a fine Persian rug or on a soft towel.

In his defence, Dr. Bähm says that the accident was a mere slip of the scalpel, and is commonplace and excusable in the developing science of ultra-microsurgery. But I cannot believe that it was a 'mere slip of the scalpel' that also caused the defendant to carve out a crude vagina in the poor Chinaman's pelvis (although charitably letting his small jingleberries remain).

At any rate, the defendant has raised an alternate defence. It was asserted that even if the tort can be made out, the plaintiff is without relief since he is a member of a "weird cult" (the so-called falun-dong) prohibited under Article 203 of the Criminal Code of China. Indeed, as Chinese law was the proper law of the mangina (this was not in dispute), it was submitted that I should assume the jurisdiction of a Chinese court and apply the law accordingly.

I accepted this invitation. Therefore, I adjourned the trial and, donning my mandarin jacket and opium pipe, I set off to the People's Republic alongside my faithful tipstaff to conduct pre-trial investigations of the falun-dong (as is my duty now as a civil law judge).

We immediately made for the rural village of Fao Xing, the home of Bāf, the chief prophetess of falun-dong. After a sumptuous feast of dog meat, our guide took us to meet her at a temple in the mountain tops, explaining along the way that Enlightenment will come to those who receive yang xi* from her.

Upon entering the temple, I was shocked to discover that Bāf was not an Oriental at all but rather a haggard old caucasian woman, lying spread-eagled on a bean bag. She was large like a pig and toothless like a whore. However, she could only speak broken English:

"I have waiting for your Judge Gonzockle the long time. Hastily indulge my seaweed trap!"

I hesitated because I could see that she was menstruating heavily. But I decided to take one for the People's Republic and delved into her bloody chasm. As I did so, and her thick pubic growth blocked out all my hearing to the outside world, a strange feeling came over me. I thought I could hear ghostly whispers and I half imagined that the coagulated bits in her flow were spirits of lost men trapped in the form of expired foetuses. And I felt myself being drawn into the black abyss before me. But just as I was being lost to this strange world, I could hear sounds from the outside again. It sounded like someone was violently hitting two pieces of processed turkey meat together. Removing my head from her bush, I saw that it was just my tipstaff flagellating in the corner.

"You well Judge Gonzockle," she said. "The yang xi awaits you. Make me with your judicial organ."

Though I was thoroughly disgusted by this ordeal, I was suprised to see that my rod had been upright and quivering this whole time. So I decided to deliver it unto her so as to ascertain the truth behind the mystery of yang xi. As I did this, I felt like a lone sausage must feel in the middle of an empty football stadium, such was her immensity. But I toiled on, her menstrual slush splashing about everywhere, some even landing onto the willing tongue of my tipstaff.

All of a sudden, I felt the familar sensation of a digit in my arse. This, I was sure, was the coming of the yang xi and I braced myself. I relaxed and let her bury the second finger deep into my guts. But I tensed up as I felt myself almost slip completely into Bāf's almight pit. The pressure behind me increased with the third and fourth finger, and I was overcome with dizziness. The next thing I was in some vast celestial skyscape, with stars and planets all moving slowly past me, then speeding up into the distance until they vanished into some kind of vortex. Millions and millions of specks of light were being eaten up in front of me, and I felt myself being sucked into it as well. This was no Enlightenment, I realised, this was a black hole that was going to swallow me up!

On the outside, it was only my sphincter still hanging on for dear life - the rest of my body was completely inside the Bāf. She was trying to squeeze her remaining thumb in and seal my fate, but I had clamped my arse cheeks shut tight and was holding on desperately. My brave tipstaff, who up until that time had been beating himself senseless, tried in vain to extricate me from out of her hungry snatch but the Bāf kicked him savagely in the nutsack, rendering him a disabled and, sadly it would later turn out, a woman.

Thinking of my wife and children back home, I summoned all my strength and managed to clamber almost completely out of her, with only my man-stick still in the fourth-dimension of her cervix. But as I tried to remove it, I noticed that a small foetal hand now had a tight grip around it and was trying to pull me back in. Remembering the Confuscian proverb, I throttled the neck of the Bāf, knowing that if I killed her, her vaginal minions would surely perish too.

After 5 minutes of thrashing about, the Bāf stopped moving and her fingers dropped out from arse (along with the dogs from lunch). The little hand in her gash, though noticibly weakened, continued its grip and tug for a while longer and I happily managed to knock one out into its dying little palm. And even as I pulled my member out, it still hanged on limply and I managed to see its entire form. It was then that I had found the Enlightenment...

The foetus that had been trying to drag me into oblivion was but a true reflection of myself. It even had my grey beard. And as it looked up to me and breathed its last breath, I realised the lesson of the falun dong: that the universe is nothing but gynaecological debris floating around in the minge of a putrid whore, waiting to be sucked up like an abortion and made into nothingness.

Turning to the issue at hand, Dr. Bähm's defence must surely fail if the lessons of the falun dong can be proven false because it should then be a "weird cult" prohibited by law. I therefore have ordered that all the doors and windows of this court be sealed shut and sarin gas be released herein so as to test this question of fact. If we each do not awake to eternal life the matter will be decided in favour of the defendant.

I reserve judgment on the question of costs till then.

* The direct translation for this expression, I am told, is "tonsilectomy due to the respectful backdoor".