The Tipstaff

When you are in court all day, like I am, your mind does often wander off towards subjects that are not strictly of the legal variety. I try to listen to counsel and make it learn me in the law trade, but its terribly difficult, you see. Because of them eels. They've gotten into me noggin, and they're always swimming around in there, talking to me, distracting me and things.

Its true that I've got a predisposition to the eels. It's been the case ever since I lost that bloody bet to Palki and got all infected with thread worms. (I had to go to counselling for such a long time after that because everyone said Palki wasn't real- ha! But really – if Palki was just my imaginary friend, then what, I had just smeared myself all over with faeces and was fellating a dog for no reason? Anyway, I know that Dr. Fictor believed in Palki because whenever I had a session without my Mum he would say so when he kissed my ear.)

So what happened was that Palki, that darned fool, had gotten the turds from the backpacker hostel so of course they were going to be all wormy. And I knew it even before they went rushing for my every orifice, quick little buggers. Palki was no good, just sitting back laughing and calling me "spaghetti head". Bloody idiot. Most of them came out with the medicine but they were determined to make my bowels their home. I caught some of them crawling back up the toilet walls. I felt sorry for them so I let them back in. They don't bother me so much, the threadies, apart from the itchy arse but its a nice kind of itch. I've got names for them.

Those eels, they're another thing. I'll be just sitting in court listening to the barrister cross-examine the witness and all of a sudden his wig, with its tight little white coils of hair will start writhing around all squirmy like. Moving around, weaving in and out of one another. Its a bed of baby eels on his head. And its happening to the other barrister too. I try to look away at the Judge but His Honour's wig has turned into a swarming mass of eel as well. They just carry on as if nothing is the problem but the eels are crawling down their faces coming after me.

Palki always tries to get me out of this mess, god bless him. Just as the eels are wriggling their way down their faces, he storms into the courtroom with a naked Japanese girl. (She looks awfully scared but you can't say anything when they're just trying to help.) And he's got her all tied up with rope and has a tennis ball in her mouth, all taped up so she doesn't disturb the Judge. He parks her right up next to me and tries to intercept the eels before they enter my ears. At first he's picking them off one-by-one and popping them into a funnel inserted into Ms. Fumiko's bum. But then he's just shovelling them in, you know. Cause there's so many of them.

I have to admit, I do like watching that part. Her little tummy filling up with eels. But as soon as I feel my todger firming with excitement, the first stray eel has gotten past my guard and is in my ear going for my brain. Then another. Then more. And by the time I've dispatched my seed into the inside pocket of my tipstaff's coat, my brain is dense with eels.

Oh and they're talking eels, I said that, didn't I? But I can't usually make out what they are saying, just random swear words. One time I did manage to isolate the voice of one eel, a senior one I think, and tried to speak to him. I asked him why they have to invade me everyday. He said it was because I am the prophet of Onan and soon to be the sacred vessel of the Wormchilde. One day the Commander will give the order and the Army D'Unagi (as they call themselves) will make their way violently down through my body, by way of any physiological passage they can use, to mate with their cousins in my bowels - the threadies!

So its all Palki's fault in the end - the person who caused me to be worm-ridden by using his low-grade backpacker poo. Sometimes I think he does these things on purpose. I would say that I hate him... if it weren't for the fact that I love him so very much.

The trial of Phillip

I hereby verify that the following transcript is a true and correct record of events (signed Adrienne Buttres, tipstaff to the Honourable Justice Dimpledick).

Judge: "The next matter set down on the Intellectual Property list is The People v Phillip and is a trademark and copyrights infringement case. Bring the prisioner up from the docks."

The prisoner is dragged into the court, savage and dirty. An authorised tool of interrogation is still wedged firmly in his buttocks, but a tiny erection in the front of his prison pyjamas suggests that he is in no great discomfort. This court reporter says that he has the look of a guilty man.

Judge: "Now, Phillip, a serious allegation has been made against you. A most serious one indeed. It is said that you have plagiarised from a scripture, one so sacred that it would be a blasphemy to even repeat it title."

The judge solemnly raises an ancient papryus tome to the gallery, its pages having been ceremonially sealed together with the glue of its acolytes. Many in the gallery are overcome with emotion and one waves his fist and cries: "Hang him now! Hang him now!" Phillip's stiff pyjamas have subsided but now they are well damp with scrote resin.

Judge: "Young man, I have seen your writings and I am convinced you are a literary thief!"

Phillip: "Your Honour, it is not true - ruddery has always been a hobby of mine! I am proselytizing the Word, that is all, I swear!"

Judge: "Shut up you little butt-strumpet! I even read right before me - on this very page - something much too similar to the "excrementitious glue of sin". Have you no respect for His Word and the Passion of the Fiff? And I am in no doubt that in Zein-Silbercock you have crudely hijacked the reknowned character of Tony Ice! I shudder to think what that man would do to you if he were to ever find you."

Phillip: "No, lies! Lies! No!"

The gallery cries "Hang him! Hang him!" I can tell that the tipstaff is thinking about pouring a sack full of writhing, slimy baby eels through a funnel into a Japanese girl's bottom because that it what he always thinks about.

Judge: "Enough! Phillip, for your lame imitations and failure to think of your own idea for a blog, I sentence thee to the gallows to be hung by the throat until killed."

Zein-Silbercock v Zein-Silbercock (per amicus curiae)

Shaftsberry J, Mr Zein-Silbercock asks this court for a declaration that he may lawfully exercise conjugal rights as against his wife. The order is opposed by Dr. Bahm on the grounds that it would be severely deleterious to her fragile state of health. Since the day of her wedding to the applicant, Mrs Zein-Silbercock has been in a vegatative state of consciousness under the care of Dr. Bahm at his private hospital. She was rendered so by the almighty thrust of the groom as he delivered the connubial sacrament, the way it is still practised in the orthodox Lutheran church. It was said that such was the deliverance that she suffered a raptured stomach and collapsed lung and her left eyeball bursted and haemorraged into her brain and bled from her ears. When one surveys the anatomy of this man Zein-Silbercock, they are left in no doubt as to how this could have occured. I can truthfully say that he is packing at least 1 and a half midgets lengthwise and three-quarters on the girth (in the old measurement). The court was told that he had at one time earned a good living in a slaughterhouse and I believe it. It is an awesomely impressive sight to behold and I think there is nary a beast of earth or sea that could not succumb to it. But now to the point: the applicant modestly asks just for what is rightfully his. Dr Bahm does not dispute that the matrimonial wares of his patient are properly vested in the applicant for which he paid good consideration (in evidence before me is an receipt from an organisation in the Phillipines which places this beyond doubt). Rather, he argues that it would be unconscionable for the Zein-Silbercock to enforce his rights when in the circumstances it would surely lead to death by impalement and cited Cyrinus v a child for this principle. I take his point; however, equally, I cannot deny the applicant. Therefore, the court appoints the good Monsignor Con Peppas to act as proctor during the consummation and ensure that Mr. Zein-Silbercock's deliverance is reasonable and moderate in all the circumstances, and not to excavate past the appendix, as a general rule. Mons. Peppas is no stranger to these things. I make the additional order that the ritual be videotaped and returned to me so that I can satisfy myself of the propriety and lawfulness of the occasion.

The Crown v Godfrey

The Speech of Viscount Coddington,

Having been convicted by the jury for the crime of grievous bodily assault, it now falls upon me to sentence the prisoner. Now it was conceded by the Crown that this crime did not fall into the worst category. To briefly repeat the facts, the prisoner was approached in the street by the victim who was collecting for charity at the time. The victim had smiled and waved at him and asked how he was going. Her demeanour was so cheerful and forward that the prisoner thought that he must have known her though he was not sure how. In his embarrassment, the prisoner struck her in the mouth and then kicked her in the stomach. He then dragged her unconscious body into the middle of the road and encouraged people to run over her.

It happens that the prisoner has a siamese twin named Reginald conjoined to his back. Counsel for the prisoner submitted that a non-custodial sentence would be appropriate because it would be unfair to punish Reginald for the crimes of his brother. Otherwise it would be, Counsel suggested, to send an innocent man to gaol. However, this is mere semantics. At any rate, it was revealed by the Crown that Reginald had gauged out one of the victim's eyes during the fraccas and would have also been charged with assault had he not been given immunity for having testified against the prisoner.

Counsel for the prisoner asked me to consider that the situation of the prisoner and his siamese twin is an especially unique one. Medical evidence adduced at the trial described their rare condition of conjoinment as rectovulnerabilis. Reginald weighs 25 kilograms and is connected to the back of the prisoner by his neck. His tiny legs cannot reach the ground so he must sit on a elevated wheelchair which the prisoner is obliged to push. Without the wheelchair, his body hangs limply from the middle back of the prisoner like an African woman's swollen tit. The other peculiar aspect of Reginald's physiology is that he is unable to wear any pants because his sphincter is infected with a severe case of eczema. That being the case, people often confuse his person for just a hideously deformed anus growing from the back of a criminal, only recognising its humanity when he twists his ugly head around to face them. (Although having engaged the young man in the witness box, I must confess that I could not but stare at the angry red orifice in front of me and think that it was to the dirty gash alone that I was communicating).

It was submitted that, if Reginald were to go to gaol, he would be treated as a "piece of arse on wheels". I accept this submission. There would be a frenzy of unconsensual bum-love as he is wheeled from cell to cell like the laundry trolley and the prisoners take their fill. Counsel also reminded us that the prisoner and Reginald share the same nervous system such that a violent anal intrusion perpetrated against Reginald would be felt doubly by the prisoner. Counsel invited me to test this and, indeed, I was able to bring the prisoner to tears and induce him to foam from the mouth simply by inserting only one sharpened pencil into his brother. Of course, there is also the probabilty that the propquinity of the twins' honey pots will make them both the daily target of, in prison parlance, the menage a neuf.

Notwithstanding the force of these submissions, I feel that for the safety of the community and as a deterrent to other siamese criminals in the community, the prisoner must be sentenced to a term of 18 years.

Resolution of the Company Limited

Know all men by these presents, The meeting of the Board of Directors was attended by: · Mr. Matthews, Chairman · Ms. Davico, Director · Mr. Roseys, Director at the Company's headquarters, and · Mr. Zein-Silbercock, Director · Mr. Gutterboy, Company Secretary by way of telephone conference, in the offices at the Company's warehouse. There being a quorum present, the Chairman commenced proceedings by tabling the Acquisition Agreement for ratification by the board. The following comments were made: · Ms. Davico - I see this as a great opportunity to enter the Asian market and increase shareholder's returns. I vote to ratify the Agreement· · Mr. Roseys - I vote to ratify the Agreement. · Mr. Zein-Silbercock - Take it. Take it. Take this thing. I said take it you little worm. Take it. I want you to shut up and take it. · Mr. Gutterboy - Sir, the meeting is about to st...start...what in god's name is that? What has overcome you!? That looks like a horse's....but pray tell me what are you are going to do with that unholy thing you are wielding there? I think you are losing you mind - DEAR GOD NO!!! DON'T PUT IT THERE!!! Sweet Christ on the Cross I am about to incur an internal haemorrhage if you do not relent!! I feel I shall soon lose my eyesight if that thing continues on its inexorable way up through my guts. GOD GET THAT THING OUT OF MY ARSE!!! The Chairman announced that the Agreement had been ratified by a vote of 4-1 and declared the meeting over.

File Note - Incident at Cemetery

To file, At approximately 5:45AM on August 29, I entered the St. Luke's Cemetery along with my personal fitness instructor (who has asked to remain anonymous). It has been part of my daily fitness regime in recent times to jog through the said cemetery, down the stairs behind the church and into the park where I undertake strenuous calisthenic exercises under the guidance of my instructor. I recall that it was quite a warm morning (though it still August) and having already worked up a sweat I decided to take off my shirt and hanged it on a gravestone so that I could pick it up on my way back. I continued on but at approximately 5:49AM I sustained what my instructor was able to diagnose as a terrible strain in the groin (he is first aid-trained). Such was the immense pain that I was unable to even stand up, so I reached out for the closest thing I could hold onto for support. The closest thing I could lean on just happened to be, by sheer coincidence, the marble memorial outside the mausoleum of my late dear mother. My instructor knelt beside me and immediately went to work at my groin, trying to stretch out my injury. To give him better access to the affected region, I removed my pants and applied a good amount of mayonaise. It was in this state, that a person holding himself out to be a Local Council ranger approached us in his 4WD vehicle and rudely accused us of engaging in unspeakable acts of immorality. He threatened to run over me and release his dogs upon me. Without even having a chance to dress, I was chased out of the cemetery, all the while the ranger making the most defamatory of imputations against our character. Considering legal action. Possible causes of action: assault, defamation?